


I Didn't Know, It Was You

by IBoatedHere



Category: Turn (TV 2014)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Pining, background Abe/Rob, background ben/nathan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-22
Updated: 2016-06-17
Packaged: 2018-06-09 22:22:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 20,774
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6925867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IBoatedHere/pseuds/IBoatedHere
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Caleb comes up with a fool proof plan to get Ben into the world, away from his work, and out of his head.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> All the credit goes to Deven for the idea.

“Ben.”

_Knock._

“Tallboy.”

_Knock._

“Benny.”

_Knock._

“Tallmadge.”

 _Knock._

“Benjamin.”

Ben opens the door before Caleb can continue on (and Ben knows he can continue on) and pokes his head out. 

“What do you want?”

“Why are you only opening the door that wide? Are you naked? Let me see.”

“Caleb,” Ben shoves back on the door as Caleb shoulders his way in. 

“You're fully clothed,” Caleb says, disappointment clouding his face. “You look okay. Let's go.”

“Okay?” Ben steps back, offended, and Caleb laughs. 

“Jeans and a t-shirt ain't exactly setting the world on fire, ya know?”

He wanders over to Ben's desks where document after document of Ben's important work stuff lies. Most of the words are blocked out with black ink. Caleb picks one up and Ben rips it out of his hand. 

“You can't look at that, I already told you.”

“What is there to look at? The only words I can read are and, the, and at.”

“It's about the words that aren't there.”

“Right,” Caleb says, bouncing on his toes then diving into Ben's perfectly made bed. “Get some shoes on, let's go.”

“I can't go. I already told you. I have too much work. Maybe next weekend.”

“Work is always your excuse. You're gonna send yourself to an early grave.”

Caleb knows very little about Ben's job. He knows he works for some guy named Sackett but Caleb has never met him. He doesn't know his first name. He's not sure Ben even knows his first name. Caleb thinks it's some kind of government work with Ben's graduate and postgraduate degrees in political science from Yale and _accidentally_ snooping through Ben's opened mail while Caleb was looking for a coupon and saw a formal invitation for him to join the rest of the team in DC. Caleb put the letter back right where he found it and didn't bring it up. 

Ben did a few weeks later in a frustration laden rant about a coworker and how he couldn't believe Sackett thought they would work well together outside of New York. 

_“I'm not talking the position, Caleb. I'm not moving,” he had said, voice all gentle and calm._

_Caleb just nodded and kept making breakfast for the two of them._

“Save your spy work for tomorrow.”

“I'm not a spy, I already told you that.”

Caleb wasn't sure he believed him.

_“I'm saying this is the perfect cover,” Caleb pointed his fork at Ben at dinner one night. “You're a spy.”_

_“You think the perfect cover is sending me to Yale, getting me ass deep in debt and then letting me live with you, the biggest snoop in the world?”_

_“Yes. Perfect in its imperfection. Nobody would expect it. Maybe they set up our friendship since we were kids. It's an airtight cover.”_

_“You're an idiot.”_

“You can't dedicate your whole life to this job. Whatever it may be.”

“I'm 26. Now is the time to do that.”

“You're 26. Now is the time to go out, meet people, have fun, and get laid.”

“I have so much work to do, Caleb.”

“I’m rejecting that. I will call Sackett, if that is his real name, and tell him he’s killing you. He’s killing his best spy.”

“I’m not a spy.”

“But you are my best friend and as your best friend it is up to me to make sure you have a little fun in your life so how ‘bout I find us a place to go that's a little more low key where you can relax and unwind and get slightly wasted then come home and work. After we go get some greasy food to help us with the baby hangovers we’ll both have. Okay? How does that sound?”

Ben sighs, knowing he's been beat. “Caleb.”

“Yes!” He hugs him tight, squeezing until it’s hard for him to breathe then releases him. “Let's go, Tallboy. Get your shoes on.”

******

“I want to leave.”

“We just got here, Ben. Please.”

The bar really isn't that crowded. People don't even notice them as they walk in. The crowd is younger, college aged, and scattered around. A few at the bar, a few at the tables, a few at the pool tables in the back room. 

“I'm going to get you a drink. Just one. Why don't you go sit down and we’ll see how you feel after that? Or you could go play pool. I know how good you are at it and how great your poker face is. Go win yourself some money. Nothing makes anyone happier than money does.”

Ben hesitates between his options and Caleb groans and grabs him by the shoulders to shove him in the direction of the pool tables. 

It doesn’t take long for Ben to get comfortable and start playing. The college students that join him are friendly and fun and Ben plays and wins three straight games and 100 dollars before they give up and move on. 

He's going to go find Caleb. Maybe get another drink and hang out with him until he decides it's best to go home because he really does have work that Sackett needs before noon tomorrow. 

A guy around his age and height with black hair and green eyes slides up next to him with two drinks in his hands. He offers one to Ben and Ben shakes his head.

Ben is used to this. It happens often and he never gets used to it. People flirt with him all the time but it’s like he doesn’t know how to flirt back. It’s like he doesn’t want to. It leaves him feeling more uncomfortable than flattered, which is how Caleb says he should feel. 

“I think I’m done for the night. Gonna head home. I have an early day tomorrow.”

“You have an early day on a Saturday? Don’t you take anytime for yourself to relax?” He leans in and puts his hand around Ben’s wrist so he can force him to take the drink out of his hand. There’s not a chance in hell Ben is going to drink it but he takes it just to get the guys hand off him. 

“I’m Brian,” he sticks his hand out but Ben’s holding the pool cue in one hand and the drink in the other so he simply nods and says his name back. 

Brian smiles and nods then says “you got a last name to go with that?”

Ben rolls his eyes but Brian doesn’t seem to care. He doesn’t pick up on how uncomfortable and over it Ben is. 

“Maybe,” Ben says and tries to scoot around him, eyes scanning the bar for Caleb the whole time. He can’t find him. He might be in the bathroom. He might not be alone in the bathroom. Ben’s all alone in this. 

“You looking for someone?”

“My friend.” He probably should have said boyfriend. It’s what Caleb’s been telling him to say in situations like this. 

“Your friend? If I was your friend I’d never leave you alone like this. What kind of friend is that?”

He’s my best friend. He’s my roommate. If he knew what was happening right now he’d probably kick your ass. 

It's obvious the guy isn't going to back off. 

“You wanna play?”

Ben knows he’s talking about pool but his words are laced with innuendo.

“I was watching you with those kids,” Brian continues on as he picks up a pool cue and nods to one of his friends to rack ‘em up. “You think you can handle me?” He breaks and the balls scatter everywhere and Brian winks. 

Ben would kill a man for a chance to make a clean exit from this situation. 

Suddenly there are fingers in his belt loop and an arm across his back and Ben tenses but then there’s a voice- Caleb's voice- low and sultry in his ear. 

“There you are, babe. I was looking all over for you.” 

“Caleb,” Ben says, all wide eyed and stiff. 

Caleb smiles and keeps one eye on him and the other on Brian and says “your form is all wrong. How many times do I have to tell you?” He laughs and kisses Ben's cheek and Ben chokes on air. “Here, let me show you. Again.” 

He wraps his arms completely around Ben from behind draping his chest against Ben's back and running his hands down his arms before he gets to his hands and helps him line up the shot. He has to stand on his toes but he manages to hook his chin over Ben's shoulder so he can see. He speaks against the skin on Ben's neck, the stubble of his beard scratching against him. 

Ben bites his lip. 

“It's all in the hips,” Caleb tells him as he slowly grinds against Ben. 

Ben tenses even further and Caleb leans in so his lips are right against Ben's ear and says “relax” then bites his earlobe. 

The ball completely misses its target.

Caleb casually lifts himself off his back and Ben tries to hide the fact that he's breathing heavy. 

“Well,” Caleb pops a hip against the table with his hand drawing slow circles on Ben's back. “Can't win ‘em all. But it sure is fun to try.” He slides his hand down to Ben's ass and squeezes. “Am I right, boys?” 

The men looked him over then assessed Ben again like they were trying to see if he was worth the hassle. Finally the bigger guy elbowed the shorter guy and they turned away to the next table. 

“That's what I thought,” Caleb says under his breath. “Now why don't you drink that and we can find you someone good to talk to.”

“Caleb...I just….what did you just….”

“I just saved you from putting up with them. You're welcome by the way. Now drink up.”

“Caleb, fuck.”

“That's some strong language coming out of you,” Caleb laughs then stops when he sees the look on Ben's face. “Are you really upset?”

“Yes.” He tosses the pool cue down and walks out.

“Ben,” Caleb calls after him and then after a pause, “babe,” to keep up appearances. 

Ben's already on the sidewalk with his arm out for a can when Caleb gets out of the bar. 

“Tallmadge, what's wrong. Will you come back inside?” He wraps his hand around Ben's wrist and pulls his arm down. Ben twists out of his grasps easily, almost too easily, and yanks out his phone. “I'll call Uber.”

“Ben, talk to me. What did I do that was so wrong? I thought I was helping you.”

“You can't just do all that to me.”

“I didn’t know what else to do. It was obvious you were uncomfortable and I don’t know...we're so close anyways. I hug you all the time. I didn't think what I did was too far from that. I didn't think I was crossing a line.” He pauses and looks Ben over. He's still catching his breath. “I'm obviously wrong,” he says slowly. “I'm so sorry Ben. I had no idea you'd react like this, I won't do it again. Does it bother you when I hug you because I can stop that too.”

Ben shakes his head. He doesn’t want him to stop it. “It's okay.” He huffs out a large breath. “I can't believe it worked. I can't believe those guys respected you saying you're my boyfriend more than they respected me saying no. Oh. Is this how women feel all the time? It's awful,” he slaps Caleb on the arm. “You respect them when they say no.”

“Ow,” then “I do. I always do.”

“You better. I’m going home.”

“Aw c’mon. I apologized. I thought we were good.”

Ben puts his hand on Caleb’s shoulder. “We are good, we’re fine. I think I just need to go home.”

Caleb studies him and Ben does his best to stand tall under his gaze. “Okay,” he says finally, “let's get a cab and go home. I think there are still a few cans of that fancy imported shit you got from your non spy boss for doing something non spy related that I'm sure wasn't life threatening at all.”

“You don't have to go home with me.”

“Sure I do. What kind of fake boyfriend would I be if you stormed out and I came back in and kept drinking.”

“A terrible one.”

“Yes. And admittedly I am a terrible boyfriend but I'm determined to be a great fake boyfriend to you so let's go home.”

“I want you to have fun. You deserve to. I know how hard you work.”

“I wanted to hang out with you. I don't really care where we do it. I just thought a bar might be fun but it doesn't have to be. Seriously, we could head home, pop the top on those beers, and watch Netflix all night and that would be perfect.”

“I could go back in with you if you want to stay. At least for a little while anyways.”

“Whatever you feel comfortable with.” 

Ben weighs his options and tries to read the look on Caleb's face to see if he's full of it. If he actually wants to go back into the bar and drink and dance and find someone to take home who Ben will have to make awkward small talk with while they wait for the coffee to brew because Ben wakes up at five seven days a week 365 days a year and Caleb doesn't get up before noon on a good day. 

He'd never let it slip to Caleb but reading people is a major part of his job.

Caleb looks sincere and it hits him how lucky he is to have Caleb as a friend. That he picked him was they were growing up to be the closest to. 

“Home. Let’s go home. Thanks.”

“It's no problem, Tallboy,” and steps towards the curb, “let me get us a cab.”

“No,” he grabs his elbow, “I meant for helping me out in there. I freaked out and I shouldn't have. It was just so sudden. Thank you.”

“You don't have to thank me. You know I'd do anything for you.”

Ben doesn't even have to look at him to know he's telling the truth. 

“It was kind of funny the way those guys immediately backed off.”

Caleb slaps him on the shoulder. “I am very intimidating.”

“Apparently. Thanks again.”

“Stop thanking me.” He sticks his arm out to hail a cab. “It was my pleasure. If we're being honest with each other I think you have an amazing ass and I've been wanting to touch it for awhile so I'm happy I got the chance.”

Ben laughs and knocks his shoulder against Caleb's, glad that he's just enough out of the glow of the street light that Caleb can't see his blush. 

A taxi pulls up and Caleb opens the door for him.

“Get in, Ben. Let's go home.”

*****

Ben wants to watch Netflix. He's scrolling through and listing off their options, they haven't gotten very far into the new season of Daredevil yet and they haven't even started Orange is the New Black, when Caleb skids into the living room in socks, bright red boxers and a white t-shirt, with a DVD case in his hand. 

Ben knows what it is immediately because they're about to have a conversation they've had a hundred times before. 

“We're not watching Mission Impossible. Again.”

Caleb drops his arms to his side and tilts his head and Ben rolls his eyes because he knows they're watching Mission Impossible. Again. 

Caleb doesn't ever watch the movie. He watches Ben watch the movie and pokes his side every time Tom Cruise does something cool and asks him “Do you do that? When was the last time you did that? Could you teach me how to do that?” 

“I'm going to bed,” Ben tells him when he's had enough at the exact same time he always does. 35 minutes before the end. 

Caleb pulls his legs back from the coffee table at the same time Ben tries to step over them. 

Ben scowls and Caleb laughs. 

“Enjoy the rest of the movie,” Ben snaps and Caleb laughs harder then grabs his wrist, thumb and middle finger looped easily around him. It's nothing like the way Brian grabbed him earlier. 

“We can do this again, Ben.”

“The movie? Yeah, I know. I fully expect you to make me watch the dumb thing another half a dozen times before the month is over.”

“Dumb thing? It's a classic and that's not what I was talking about. I was talking about what happened tonight at the bar. If you get into that spot again just wave me down and I'll bail you out. I won't be as handsy as I was tonight but I'll make it look good. I can't believe I didn't think of this before.”

“It's okay. I don't want to waste your time like that. Rescuing me cannot be on the top of the list of things you want to do when you go out.” 

“It's not wasting my time. You were having fun before those guys showed up, weren't you?”

He was. But getting grilled about what Mission Impossible moves he knows is fun too. 

“It's no bother, Ben. I've always got one eye on your anyways.” 

“You don't have to take care of me.”

“Who says it has anything to do with that?”

It's cryptic and Caleb's half drunk and half asleep and Ben's going to try not to read into it. Try not to interpret it a hundred different ways all of which will keep him up at night. 

“Maybe, Caleb.”

“Just think about it,” he mumbles and lets him go. “Goodnight, Tallboy.”

Ben gets ready for bed and tries not to think about Caleb’s lips against his neck and his fingers around his wrist.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This got way more complicated than I meant for it to be.

“Are you sure about this?”

“Yeah. You're sure, right?”

“Well yeah,” Caleb says and walks a little bit faster to keep up with Ben, “but you're the one who has to pretend that I'm your boyfriend.”

“And you have to act like my boyfriend.”

“It's not hard to do, Ben. Hey, do you think people think we're together even when we're not faking it. Like at the grocery store or something. Abe told us we sometimes fight like an old married couple.”

“That’s him and Rob, not you and me.”

“This right here is fighting like an old married couple.”

“Okay, whatever. Let's just go in.” 

Caleb holds the door open for him and makes a show of it.

Ben rolls his eyes and bumps his shoulder with his own and absolutely nothing happens. 

They’re given a free night to drink and hang out and talk. It’s nice. Caleb is a warm and familiar weight next to him and Ben’s happy to listen as Caleb goes on about his day. Ben gives nothing away about his own and Caleb shoves him so hard in playful frustration that Ben almost falls off his stool. 

Ben pays the tab. Caleb doesn't fight him on it. 

“This is going to sound stupid,” Ben says as they walk back to their apartment. He's pleasantly buzzed from getting four uninterrupted drinks in him. “But I'm kind of disappointed that no one hit on me tonight. I had fun and it was more relaxing but I don't know….is it terrible to say it was kind of a confidence booster?”

“Yes,” Caleb deadpans and Ben knocks into him hard enough to make him stumble against the brick side of the building. He catches him by the arm and hauls him upright. 

“Do I look okay? Is my hair alright?”

“You look fine. Tonight just wasn't your night.” Caleb shrugs. “It happens.”

“Not to you. How many numbers do you get on an average night?” 

“I don’t know.”

“Sure you do.” 

“A handful. Four or five.”

Ben whistles. “I don’t know how you do it.”

“You’re one to talk. You’re the one that needs me to bail you out of these kinds of situations.”

“After tonight, maybe I don’t need you afterall.”

 

******

 

He needs Caleb. 

They go out on Friday and Caleb leaves him alone for five minutes at the bar and a guy slides in next to him with one sweaty hand on Ben's arm and the other outstretched to the bartender to order another Jack and Coke for him. 

He decides to give him a shot. He tries to draft off what Caleb had told him to do. “Relax, talk about your day, you're interesting, you're a spy for Christs sake.” 

It doesn't go well and ten minutes (too long) later he's looking for Caleb on his left when Caleb pushes between him and the guy on his right. 

He shields Ben's entire line of sight from the guy. 

“You ready to leave, babe.”

“Yes. God yes.”

Caleb throws a twenty at the bartender and grabs for Ben's hand and holds it until they're out on the street and halfway down the block. 

Caleb squeezes his hand before he drops it. 

“You wanna go somewhere else?”

Normally Ben would say no. He'd think about the stack of papers he needs to work through and how early he needs to get up if he wants to get a good run in and go home. 

But now he knows how Caleb's hand feels in his own and that there's the potential to feel that again and he nods his head yes. 

Caleb smiles so wide it looks like it hurts and leads Ben down the street. 

 

******

 

It goes on like that. 

They go out on weekends and Ben actually has fun. 

Caleb's always right when he needs him. Sometimes before he needs him, it's like he can sense it and shows up with his hand on his back or shoulder and calling him baby and dragging him from the situation. 

Ben’s spending more money on alcohol than he’d like to because he goes to bed without stress headaches for the first time since he started at Yale. 

 

*****

 

“Someone getting married?”

Caleb lifts the corner of the invitation before Ben can grab it. He still makes an attempt but Caleb spins out of the way. 

“Not a wedding. It's a work thing.”

Caleb's eyes widen at the thick card stock and fancy gold calligraphy. 

“A fancy work thing.”

Ben hums and continues reading his report.

“This says you get a plus one.”

“Yeah, I haven’t figured out what to do about that one yet. Sackett’s very into seating charts. He says it’ll look funny if there’s an empty space.”

“Obviously you’re bringing me.”

“Obviously?”

“What? I can be your fake boyfriend in dingy bars but I’m not good enough to be your fake boyfriend at black tie events.”

“That’s not what I mean,” Ben snaps, voice all sharp and icy.

Caleb laughs. “Calm down. It’s hilarious that the quickest way to rile you up is to shit talk myself. Let me be your plus one. I have a suit...somewhere. I can clean up. We’ll drink expensive drinks...wait...is it open bar?”

“Yes, it always is.”

“You’ve been to these before?”

“A few.”

“And who’d you bring?”

“I went by myself that's how I know Sackett hates when I mess with his seating.”

“And you can't do that too many times or he’ll expel you from spy school. So you're taking me. I'm marking my calendar in my phone with it so it's official.”

 

*****

 

There’s a knock on the door that Ben is not anticipating and frankly doesn’t have time for. They’re already running five minutes behind which means they’ll get to the event ten minutes early but his father drilled _‘if you’re not fifteen minutes early to arrive you’re late’_ into his mind at a young age. 

“I’ll get it,” Caleb calls and Ben shoves him back into his room because Caleb still doesn’t have pants on and he needs him to focus.

“I’ll get it, get dressed.”

He hears Caleb mumbling something as he dashes down the hallway and into the living room.

The knocking picks up getting louder and faster the closer he gets to the door and Ben yanks it open poised to yell when he sees Abe with Thomas at his hip, his tiny fist raised towards the door.

“Took your Uncle Ben long enough. Wow,” he gives Ben’s freshly pressed black suit a once over. “You look...wow.”

Ben tries not to blush but a compliment a compliment and he ducks his head to hide it as he opens the door wider for the two of them.

“Where are you off to?”

“It’s just a work thing, what’s up?”

“We won’t keep you long, we’re headed over to Rob’s are we’re picking up that movie Caleb got for us.”

 

Abe's marriage to Mary officially ended six months ago. 

He met Robert Townsend the day he signed the papers. 

Caleb and Ben met him for dinner to offer moral support after he left the lawyers office but instead of the sullen, broken man they had been expecting in walked a 16 year boy fresh off his first encounter of puppy love. 

“Talk about timing,” Abe told them over his third glass of wine. Caleb watched him with fascination with his chin resting in his hand and Ben eyed the wine glass as he ran the tab up in his head. They were treating him, after all. “He's great. He's very funny, very dry. I sat down for coffee and he was at the table next to me and I swear I just knew. We didn't even have to speak. It took me twenty minutes to work up the courage to introduce myself. I was worried I wouldn't have anything good to say. You know, I've spent the last 16 months of my life talking about nothing but divorce papers and child support and generally being a depressing asshole,” he had paused and waited for Caleb or Ben to jump in and correct him but they stayed silent. Abe rolled his eyes and continued on. “But I asked him if he liked his coffee and the next thing I knew we were sitting in the corner playing checkers on one of those oversized playing boards and 5 games later we have a date for tomorrow.”

“Wow.” It was all Ben could say as he kicked Caleb beneath the table to get him to chime in. Caleb was speechless. 

“I think I love him.”

“Whoa.”

Caleb choked on his drink, finally making some kind of sound. 

They met him three weeks later. 

Abe invited them over for dinner and to watch the newest Disney movie Caleb was able to find a decent bootleg of online for Thomas. 

Rob seemed serious and intense and he only smiled in Abe's direction when his back was turned. 

They argued through dinner. About the chicken being dry and how the vegetables were still crunchy and not roasted the right way. 

Caleb and Ben tried to stay out of it and stuck down to the end of the table and fed Thomas who seemed oblivious to the powder keg of a relationship his father had fallen so deep into. 

After dinner Rob cleared the table and Abe asked them to clean Thomas up while he helped Rob with the dishes. 

Ben held Thomas while Caleb washed his face and poked his tummy to make him giggle. 

“Should we say something to Abe,” Ben whispered, “this doesn't seem like a very good relationship.”

“It's not so bad.” Caleb stuck his tongue out and Thomas laughed so hard tears formed at the corners of his eyes. It drowned out the sound of Rob and Abe arguing in the kitchen. 

“They haven't stopped fighting since we got here, Caleb. If they're like this in front of guests what are they like in private?” 

“I don't know. He says they're in love.”

“Abe's just getting out of a marriage. Is he in the right state of mind to make that statement?”

“If you want to say something that's up to you.”

“I'm not saying anything unless you're going to back me up.”

“I can't tell someone they're not really in love.”

“We don't have to we can just bring up that maybe he shouldn't be arguing with his boyfriend so much.”

“You realize we're arguing right now?”

“You're not my boyfriend.”

“Exactly. You're my best friend. Sometimes people who live each other fight. It happens.”

“I guess. But don't you think…”

“Shh.” 

Ben's mouth snapped shut and even Thomas stopped laughing. 

“It's quiet. They're not fighting anymore. Maybe they got over it. Maybe everything's fine.”

“Maybe….”

They weren't fighting anymore because they were heavily making out against the counter with Abe's back pressed against the edge. 

Ben stared and Caleb covered Thomas’s eye with his hand as Abe clutched at Rob's back. 

After far too long they got over their shock and Ben cleared his throat and Caleb clapped his hands and whistled and Abe and Rob broke apart, Abe with a satisfied smile and Rob blushing furiously. 

They spent the rest of the night watching the movie on the couch. Abe and Rob and Ben and Caleb with Thomas between them. 

Thomas clapped happily along with the music and Caleb kept poking Ben in the side every time Rob would brush his finger against the outside of Abe's knee and Ben pretended to ignore all of it and focused on the animated animals on the screen. 

Thomas didn't make it until the end of the movie and when Caleb picked him up to put him to bed Ben clung to his arm. 

“You have to stay here to make sure they don't mount each other,” he whispered and shook his arm loose. 

Rob bolted to the kitchen shortly after to rewash the dishes and Abe picked up the empty drinking glasses and Ben sat on the couch looking uncomfortable and waited for Caleb to get back. 

Abe walked them to the door and hung on it after they were in the hallway.

“Love you guys. It's amazing.”

“How much have you had to drink?”

“I'm not drunk.”

“Only drunk on love,” Caleb elbowed him. 

“I'm being serious. I loved Mary, I don't regret anything about that. Look at what she's given me…” He gestures down the hallway towards Thomas's room. “It would have been so easy to give up but I'm so glad I didn't. I want you guys to have that.”

“That’s what I’m saying,” Caleb punched Ben in the arm. “I’m always trying to get him to go out with me and he won’t do it.”

“No, no, no, I’m not talking about that. I’m not talking about what you do Caleb, going out every weekend and handing out your number and fishing around. It’s more than that. It’s someone to come home to and talk to about your day.”

“We kind of already have that. We live together. He hears about my day whether he likes it or not,” Caleb told him and Ben nodded. 

“It's more than that. You won't know it until it's happening. I want you both to have that. You both deserve it.”

He clapped them on the shoulder and shut the door and Ben and Caleb stared at it. 

Ben spoke first. “What just happened?”

“I have no idea.”

“But what-.”

“I don't know, Tallboy, I don't know.”

“Caleb has it, I just don’t know where he’s put it. Hold on.”

Ben doesn’t even get of the room before Caleb is barreling out and Ben watches Caleb for a few moments before he retreats to his room to find his shoes. 

“Tom!” Caleb exclaims as he pulls the boy into his arms and swings him around. Thomas giggles. “I got your movie around here….somewhere.”

“Why are you all dressed up?” Abe asks.

“Work fundraiser thing. Didn’t Bennyboy tell ya?”

“He didn’t say you were going. You’re going with him? I didn’t know you two were together.”

“We’re not. We’re faking it. How do I look?” 

“Caleb, I didn't expect you to be so cruel.”

Their voices are muffled but Ben can still hear them. He’s sitting on his bed tying his shoes and freezes, tipping his head so he can hear more clearly. 

“What's that mean?”

“Doing all this with Ben? For Ben? Aren't you kind of leading him on?”

“I'm pretending to be his date. We do it all the time. How am I leading him on?”

“Are you serious?” Abe's voice sounds incredulous. “It's so obvious he's into you. Has been since high school. Probably before.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Ben likes you. He has a huge crush on you.”

“No he doesn't.”

“Where is this coming from? Did he tell you that?”

“He doesn't have to.”

“Then how do you know?”

“Because it's obvious.”

“You're obviously insane.”

“I'm not, think about it. Why is he still single? Why didn't he like going out with you before all this? Why does he look at you like you're the only thing in the world that matters. It's like you hung the moon.”

“That's not true.”

“Have you ever looked at him?”

“I look at him all the time.”

Abe doesn’t say anything but Ben can imagine he’s raising his eyebrows. 

“You're into him too, aren't you?”

“Shut up.”

“Oh my god.”

“I'm not, it's not like that. It never was. It's never going to be.”

“Why not?” 

“Because. Just because. He could do a lot better. I mean, look at him.”

“Objectively speaking Caleb, you're adorable.”

“It's more. He's more.”

They're both silent. 

“It doesn't matter,” Caleb says after a long moment. There's the sound of fabric shuffling like he's passing Thomas back to Abe and Ben knows Caleb's going to come looking for him soon. He has to move. “I don't think I would...we wouldn't….he's my best friend. I wouldn't trade that for anything.”

“I know and I know you would never purposefully hurt him but-.”

“Abe. Knock it off. Take your movie. It’s pretty steady despite being filmed in a theater. The guy went back and redid all the coloring. Subtitles pop up sometimes but it’s still good.”

Abe’s voice drops low and Ben doesn’t catch the words he’s saying, only the tone. Then the door opens and closes and Ben frantically unties his shoes just so he’ll have something to do when Caleb gets to him. 

“You’re not dressed yet?” 

Ben glances up to see Caleb leaning against the doorframe with a big smile on his face like that whole conversation didn’t even happen. 

“I’m further along than you,” Ben says once he finds his voice.

“Give me 60 seconds!” Caleb dashes out of the room. “Time me!” 

 

*****

 

“Why are you so tense?”

“I’m fine.”

“No you’re not.” There’s a momentary struggle as Caleb tries to take Ben’s hand who resists much more than normal. Caleb wins out before there’s an all out shoving match on the steps leading up to the hotel. “Why was that so difficult?”

“I’m just nervous. It’s a big work thing...maybe we shouldn’t do this.” He shakes Caleb’s hand away. “We should go home.”

“No way. I got all dressed up and came all the way down here we are going in and getting free booze. You especially. You need it.”

“I’m not getting drunk. I work with these people.”

“Well I’m going to get you halfway there. It’s up to you to do the rest.” He takes Ben’s hand back. “You didn’t even tell me I look nice.”

“You look very nice, Caleb,” Ben tells him immediately and he’s not just saying it. Caleb looks great in his form fitting suit, curls tucked orderly around his ears and beard neatly shaved. 

Celeb eyes him skeptically before his face breaks out into a huge grin. “I do look nice, don't I? Suit cost me a pretty penny but I guess you'll just have to invite me to more of these things so I get some use out of it. It's not going to do me much good on the boat.”

“Let's see how tonight goes.” 

“So what is this thing for anyways?”

“Some charity thing put on by The President. For education, maybe?”

“The president of the company?”

“Of the country,” Ben says and Caleb almost drops his drink.

“What?”

“The President. Washington. I’m pretty sure you voted for him.”

“He’s here?”

“It was on the invitation.”

“I skipped down to open bar, oh my god, you know the president?”

Ben shrugs. “I’ve met him. I don’t know him any better than anyone else does. Martha is nice.”

Caleb’s stopped walking. “Who the hell are you?”

Ben laughs and reaches his free hand towards Caleb. “I’m your date, now let's find our seats because I’m starving.”

Dinner is good but the drinks Caleb keeps bring are even better. 

“The bartender knows my name by now.”

“That doesn’t surprise me.”

“I’m just getting my money’s worth.”

“You know you didn’t actually pay for anything. _I donated.”_

Caleb smiles and pats his hand. “I’m getting your money's worth then, drink up.”

He keeps his hand over Ben’s while he turns and talks to one of his coworkers. Ben hasn’t had that much to drink but he still flips his hand over. Caleb immediately laces their fingers together and Ben smiles into his glass.

 

*****

 

“Your young man is quite popular,” Sackett tells him after dessert and the band has started playing. The event has been going on for hours and everyone is so much more relaxed. Sackett nods across the room and Ben follows the movement. 

Caleb is talking to Martha Washington.

“Oh no.”

Ben watches in horror until Martha tips her head back and laughs. 

“He seems to be charming her quite well.”

“Yeah, well that’s Caleb for you.”

Martha laughs so hard she has to cover her mouth with her hand and Ben feels a mixed rush of affection and humiliation when they both turn towards him and Caleb waves.

“Whatever it is you did, she certainly seems to be enjoying it.”

It could be any number of things. Nothing is off the table when Caleb is tipsy, happy, and in front of a celebrity. 

“I’m assuming this relationship is a new development for both of you. Last I knew you were both single.”

“You mean the last time you ran a background check on him?”

“It’s always nice to know who our employees associate with.”

Ben snorts at _employees._

“Is this why you don’t want him working with us? A conflict of interest?”

There have always been plenty of reasons why Ben wants to keep Caleb far away from his job. Ben never considered that a valid reason until now.

“Something like that.”

Sackett shakes his head. “What a pity. Knew I should’ve talked to him before the two of you figured things out.”

“What do you mean by that?”

Sackett claps him on the shoulder and backs away. “I do believe the president is calling me.”

Washington is nowhere to be found but Ben can’t dispute him because Caleb slides in from his right and wraps an arm securely around his waist.

“Who was that?”

“Sackett.”

“That’s Sackett?” Caleb rubs his hands together and stands on his toes to see if he can catch his retreating from. “I gotta go talk to him, find out for real what you’re up to.”

“Wait.” Ben grabs his sleeve before he can make it very far. “Why don’t you tell me what you and The First Lady were talking about?”

“Oh you know, this and that. Some stories from our childhood.”

“Oh great,” Ben says dryly.

“All good things. She’s lovely.”

“She seemed to like you.”

“She likes you too. She asked me when we're getting married. You're taking my name by the way.”

Ben doesn’t miss a beat when he replies “Obviously.”

 

*****

 

“Okay sit.”

Caleb pulls him down next to him on the edge of the stairs. It's past midnight and the party is still in full swing but they need some air. Caleb's been drinking on and off the whole time and Ben's spent most of it right beside Caleb and feeding off his easy energy. It’s like a contact high. 

“Drunken honesty hour right now.”

“I'm not drunk.”

“But you will be by the end of this,” he pulls a bottle of scotch out of his jacket pocket that Ben immediately recognizes as the ones from behind the bar at the event. 

“You stole that.”

“It was an open bar. I just took all I wanted for the night at once in the bottle they were keeping it in.”

“Unbelievable.”

“Are you mad or impressed that I got it out of there without you noticing?”

“Both I guess.” 

“I could totally be a spy. Tell Sackett I could be a spy. That's my first question. Are you a spy?”

“No.”

“Honesty.” He kicks at Ben's shin. “Hour.”

“I'm not a spy.”

“Drink. You're lying.”

He takes the bottle from Caleb and brings it an inch to his lip before he stops. “I'm not a spy. Not yet.” 

Caleb's mouth drops open and he looks so surprised and horrified Ben can't help but smile. 

“You little shit. You've been lying to me for years.”

“I've never lied to you. I'm not a spy. Not yet. Do you know how many years of training you need? They don't just let anyone off the street and send them on in.”

“You're not just anyone.”

“I still have a lot to learn. You have to keep your mouth shut about this. I wasn't even supposed to tell you. They trust you just fine but I'd rather if you didn't blab is all around the city.” 

“That's why Sackett was looking at me funny. They know about me. They know all about me, don't they? They know about the bootleg movies. They know how I sometimes skimp on my taxes.”

“Caleb.”

 _“Sometimes._ How haven't I been arrested yet?” 

“They like you. They wanted me to recruit you.”

Caleb gasps. 

“I told them if they came near you I’d walk and not look back. They’ve already sunk a lot of money into me so it wasn’t worth the risk.”

“Why’d you do that?”

“This isn’t a game, Caleb. It’s not a movie. It’s dangerous. If I make it through I could be gone for weeks. Or months. I won’t be able to tell you where I’m going or when I’ll be back. I might not come back. I don’t want that for you. I’m not putting you in that kind of danger.”

“But it’s okay to put yourself in that.”

“Yes. I’m not dragging you into this and don’t even think about going behind my back and talking to Sackett because I’ll find out and I’ll drag you out of there. I’m stronger than you.”

“Okay, alright,” Caleb puts his hands up. “What’s the pay like?”

“It’s not worth your life, Caleb. Now my turn.”

“Fair is fair,” he mumbles as he takes the bottle from Ben. 

“Why babe?” 

When Caleb furrows his brows in confusion Ben continues.

“Babe. Whenever you come up to me in a bar you always call me babe. Why that name?”

“I don’t know. Sounds nice.”

“Drink.”

“It’s the truth but I’m never going to turn this down,” he takes a long pull, head tipped back and throat exposed and Ben can’t look away. “What else am I supposed to call you? If I just call you your name it’s too ordinary, it would sound like I was just your friend. It’s the quickest way to make it obvious I’m your boyfriend without sticking my tongue down your throat. You want me to call you something else because I am open to suggestions. Honey,” he pushes on Ben’s shoulder. “Sweetheart, darling, angel.” He’s joking and laughing and Ben doesn’t have enough alcohol in him to tell him they all sound nice coming from him. Warm and homey and natural. It sends a shiver through him that has Caleb slipping off his jacket and handing it over to Ben. It’s too small but he drapes it over his legs anyways. “My turn; how long have you been thinking about taking my last name?”

“Oh.”

“Don’t think I haven’t forgotten about that.” He shakes the bottle at him. It’s already half empty. “You need this?”

Ben doesn’t take it, opting to take a deep breath instead.

_Honesty hour._

“Since we were kids.”

Ben watches carefully as the humor fades from Caleb’s eyes. 

“Oh.”

“To be fair I did it with everyone’s last names. I went through this weird little phase where I tried to figure out whose name sounded best with my own and Benjamin Brewster won. Plus Caleb Tallmadge sounds awful and I’d never put you through that.”

Caleb hums and swings his legs against the side of the fountain. “Benjamin Woodhull.”

Ben points a finger sharply into his chest. “Don’t even start.”  
“Sorry Benny, but you have to admit it’s got a nice ring to it.”

“Do you want to work for Sackett?” Ben asks abruptly changing the subject. “Forget what I said about it, is it something you’d be interested in? I can’t stop you. It wouldn’t be right to. I can give you his card if you want it.”

“You don’t want me to do it.”

“No.” 

“Then I won’t,” he replies and sticks his hand out against Ben’s arm when he opens his mouth to say something. “Sometimes things are that simple.”

“Thank you, Caleb.”

“It seems like you have enough to worry about without me adding to it,” he says as he straightens his back and rolls his shoulders. “Now, my turn again.” He taps his fingers against his chin and hums then drops his hand. “What are you even looking for? I've known you my whole life, you're my best friend but I don't even know the type of guy you're into. Have you ever been in a relationship? I know we kind of...drifted apart a bit while you were at Yale but you never mentioned anything.”

Ben smiles sadly at the bottle of beer and it's peeling label. He loved his time at Yale but he hated what it tried to do to his and Caleb's relationship. It created a divide. Ben was always studying and Caleb was always working and for the first them they weren't in each other's pockets anymore. They went months without speaking. Caleb didn't answer his phone when he called and Ben only noticed that Caleb had texted him hours after the fact. Ben thought that was going to be it. They grew out of their friendship. It happens. But then Caleb showed up at his graduation dressed in a suit with a bottle of champagne and an offer of an apartment where they'd split the rent. He likes to focus on how they are now and not how they were. 

“No relationships. Not really.”

He kissed three boys and two girls in college. He doesn't remember any of their names except for Nathan Hale. 

Nathan, who Ben met freshman year in his Early American Government class with blue eyes and light blond hair who was as funny as he was smart. Who befriended Ben right when Caleb was fading out. Who finally got Ben in his bed sophomore year while they were both a little tipsy but fully consenting. 

He still sees him sometimes. Nathan is working in DC but they have dinner when his job finds him in the city. He's been trying to talk Ben into moving down over expensive food and smooth whiskey and right before they part ways Nathan always says “you wanna go back to my hotel room and make out?” 

Ben usually turns him down. Usually. Sometimes he gives in. It didn't go any further than kissing in Nathan's tiny twin bed at Yale and it doesn't go any further than that in a plush king sized bed at a Hilton in New York City. 

Caleb has no idea who Nathan is. Ben never brings him up. 

But Nathan knows who Caleb is. Ben brings him up constantly and Nathan pulls the same neutral face every time and let's Ben prattle on and on about what hilarious thing Caleb did or how frustrating he is when he leaves a tablespoon of milk left for Ben's morning coffee. 

“Say hi to Caleb for me,” Nathan always says to him as Ben pulls on his shirt and smoothes it out. Caleb will never notice a few wrinkles, he won't ask him where he's been but still….

Now is a good time to come clean about it. To tell him he could have something with someone who he likes and likes him. Someone he has a lot in common with. That he could move to DC with and give it a go. It could be great. 

But he's not moving to DC. He already gave Caleb his word on that and Caleb will always trump any occasional make out buddy. A friend with limited benefits. 

“I was busy with school,” he shrugs. “Didn't really have time.”

“Do you want a relationship now? I know, I know, you're so busy with work but what about after? Didn't I see a ring on Sacketts finger? You're not going to be working their forever. What happens once you're done?”

“I haven't really thought about it.”

“I'm over here worrying about you and you haven't even thought about it?”

“Why would you worry about me?”

“Why wouldn't I?” 

Ben flinches at his raised voice. 

“I just found out that my theory about you, which I honestly thought was bullshit and was only pushing it to get arise out of you, is true and you willingly put yourself in danger everyday. You work constantly. Are you happy about that? Are you happy? I don't want you to be lonely.”

“I'm not lonely, I have you.”

Caleb tips his head to the side and Ben feels like an idiot because he knows what he means. 

Caleb wants him to have someone so he won't be alone when he finds someone. Caleb, for all his one night stands and flirting, will fall in love, move to the suburbs, get married, and have kids. 

He doesn't want Ben all alone in this apartment going over redacted files in between dangerous missions. 

Caleb's worried about him because they're friends. That's it. 

Abe was wrong about it. 

“I know love isn't for everyone but is it something that you want? Do you want someone to love you?”

Caleb's drunk and inelegant in his phrasing and has no idea that he's just broken his best friends heart. 

He takes a sip to give himself a second to stop his voice from shaking. 

“It would be nice.”

“Because it would be so easy, Ben. I know all those guys you turn down in bars are assholes but anyone of them would fall in love with you. It would be there loss if they didn't.”

He thinks about Nathan and his open invitations and the way his hand lingers on the side of Ben's face before he pulls away for the last time. Nathan might love him. He doesn't love Nathan and sometimes that kills him. 

“I don't want just anyone.”

“Then what do you want? What's your type? Maybe I know someone for you.” 

“I don't know.”

“You don't know?” Caleb laughs. “How do you not know?”

Because Nathan and Caleb are nothing alike.

He wants to reach across this small amount of space between them and take Caleb's rough hand. He wants to be pulled across the distance until he's kneeling across his lap and kiss him with Caleb's beard scratching against his skin. He wants to go out with him for real, call him his boyfriend and actually mean it. He wants to look Martha Washington in the eye and tell her the wedding is in the fall on the coast would you like to come. She probably would. 

He wants to be friends with Nathan. Just friends. He doesn't want that title to hurt him. 

How does he begin to explain that? 

“I don't know, I'm not like you. I don't hop from one person to the next.”

“I don't do that.”

“Sure you do. It's not your fault. There's nothing wrong with it.”

His words don't erase the frown from Caleb's face. 

“Are _you happy?”_

“Right now drinking this expensive scotch that we got for free-.”

“We stole it, Caleb.”

“Oh. We’ll have to destroy the evidence.” He grabs the bottle and takes a deep drink and Ben laughs. “Sitting here with you with you, yes, I’m happy.”

Ben feels warm all over and he wants to blame the alcohol but he knows better. 

“I wish this suit was a little more comfortable,” he says as he pulls at his sleeves and undoes the top button on his white dress shirt.

Ben takes the bottle back and with the top of his pressed against his bottom lip says “take it off.”

Caleb’s face breaks out into a grin as Ben recognizes his mistake.

“Did I just hear that correctly?” Caleb says, far too loudly for the quiet street corner. It’s just him and the sound of the fountain behind them. “Benjamin Tallmadge, Yale graduate, spy in training, wears a suit like he was born in it, all around good guy and total catch propositioning me?”

“Caleb.”

“Me? Barely graduated high school, didn’t go to college, always has dirt under my nails and usually comes home smelling like low tide, will probably never get invited to anything this swanky again, has to steal good liquor because I can’t afford it, who got the First Lady of The United States thinking that I was not only your boyfriend but I was also going to marry you when really, I don’t deserve to be even mentioned in the same breath as you-.”

“That’s enough. Why do you always talk about yourself like that? It drives me crazy. You know how important you are, right? You deserve to be happy. You should get everything you want and it doesn’t matter that you didn’t go to college or what kind of job you have or how much money it makes you. Do you know how important you are to me?”

Caleb bursts out laughing and it infuriates Ben. 

“None of this is funny.”

“It’s hilarious how I know that all I have to do to rile you up is shit talk myself. You can relax Tallboy, my confidence is just fine.”

Ben eyes him, not convinced but willing to let it slide. 

“You wanna get back in there?” Caleb asks with a tip of his head towards the front entrance. 

“I think I’d rather go home,” Ben says and Caleb is on his feet before Ben even finishes the sentence. 

“Been a long night.” Caleb reaches for Ben’s hand to pull him up and then doesn’t let go.

“It’s hard work committing a felony.”

“It was one bottle from an open bar, let it go.”

Their shoulders bump and their hands stay clasped together the whole walk home.


	3. Chapter 3

“Holy shit, this guy is not buying it.”

Ben laughs openly into the collar of Caleb’s shirt. He’ll admit to being drunk and he’s letting himself enjoy the feel of Caleb’s palms beneath his shirt and low on his waist. 

It had taken Caleb a few extra moments to make it to him. When Ben looked for him he was on the far side of the bar leaning against the wall and exchanging numbers with a shorter man with dark hair. They were both laughing.

As soon as Caleb saw what was going on he was right by Ben’s side, gripping his arms and leaning in to whisper “sorry about that” into his ear. His beard scratched against his cheek and his hands were so warm holding onto his elbows and Ben forgave him immediately. 

They had spent the next ten minutes talking to the guy; telling him the ins and outs of their relationship simply because they didn’t know what else to do. Everyone else had slunk off after the first thirty seconds but this one was sticking around. 

Caleb had slotted himself between Ben’s knees, they had been drinking out of the same glass, Ben kept one finger hooked around Caleb’s belt loop. Nothing was deterring the guy. 

“We should either go or I should just kiss you.”

Ben says “you should just kiss me” at the sametime Caleb says “we should go” and they end up silent and staring at each other with only a breath between them.

“I didn’t-.” Ben starts and stops. “-I don’t know.”

Then Caleb’s grabbing his hand and pulling him through the crowd and to the exit.

People dodge around them on the sidewalk and Ben pulls the sleeves of his sweater down his arms. He’s forgotten how to speak. He knows he should apologize but he’s not even sure what he’s apologizing for. 

Caleb shifts from foot to foot, runs a hand through his hair and finally says “I’m getting us a cab. I think it’s time we go home.”

It’s almost impossible to get one and Ben’s trying to remember the route home through his alcohol hazed mind to see if they could make it on foot when Caleb’s tugging him by the wrist towards the open door of the taxi. He was so caught up trying to get himself centered he didn’t even notice one pull up. 

It’s a long and quiet ride back. They get stuck in traffic and the driver doesn’t even have the radio on to fill the silence. 

They both stay on their own separate sides with a wide gap between them. 

Ben presses his head against the cool window. Caleb’s fingers tap along the armrest. 

 

******

 

In the elevator of their building Caleb only moves closer to him when he needs to. An attractive man with black hair gets in on the second floor, pushes the button for the seventh and nods to them.

“Long night?”

“Something like that,” Caleb answers and Ben moans.

The guy laughs. “Caleb, get him to bed.”

Of course Caleb knows the guy. Ben doesn’t want to know how he knows him but his mind automatically fills in the blanks and he leans back against the wall of the elevator to steady himself. It’s not going up fast enough. It’s too cramped. He can’t believe they’re only on the fifth floor. Black haired guy has got to go. 

“He’s not used to it,” Caleb says. “Usually stays home.”

“Don’t talk about me like I’m not here.”

“If you could see yourself you’d know you aren’t here.”

Ben doesn’t have time for a rebuttal because the elevator is stopping and dark haired guy is getting out with a wave and a goodnight.

Ben doesn’t wait for the elevator to close before he asks “how do you know him?”

“Trevor’s sister lives on the third floor and he and his wife live on the seventh.” Caleb answers like he knew exactly what Ben was implying.

“That doesn’t explain how you know him.”

“I talk to the neighbors,” he explains with a shrug.

“He lives on the seventh and we live on the ninth. He’s not our neighbor.”

The door open to their floor and Caleb reaches back to pull him out. “Sometimes we get the mail at the sametime. You’re really picky when you’re drunk.”

“So drunk,” he mumbles as Caleb sets him against the wall by their door. 

Caleb doesn’t say anything, just takes the key from his pocket and sticks it in the lock. 

Ben pushes himself off the wall and into the apartment. He wants his shoes off, a glass of water, an aspirin, and his bed, but he’ll settle for getting into his room and passing out on the floor. He trips over a pair of Caleb’s shoes that he left in the hallway and thinks that maybe sleeping next to them wouldn’t be so bad but before he can get to the floor Caleb is hauling him up and dragging him the extra few steps to his room.

“You’re really strong,” he says as Caleb gets his door open with his foot.

“You’re really heavy. How is that possible? I never see you eat.”

“I eat at work. It’s muscle anyways.”

“Don’t be smug.” Caleb drops him on the bed and immediately runs his hands down Ben’s calves to take off his shoes.

Ben sits up so quick that Caleb takes a huge step back.

“Are you going to throw up?”

Ben takes a moment to think about it then shakes his head. “I’m sorry about what I said. I think I had too much to drink and I didn’t know what I was talking about.” 

“Okay?”

“About how you should kiss me.” Somewhere in Ben’s drunken mind he knows this is making things more awkward than they need to be and that he should drop it but the alcohol coursing through this system is not going to let that happen. “I was just saying stuff. I thought it would be funny. Are you mad?”

“Why would I be mad?”

“I don’t know. It was weird moment. I’m sorry I made it weird and I’m sorry you’re mad.”

Caleb laughs but it doesn’t feel as good as it should. “I’m not mad.” He slides the other shoe off his foot then pushes at his shoulders to get him lying back. “Go to bed. You’re gonna feel terrible in the morning.”

“You sound mad.”

“And you sound drunk. I’ll be back with some water for you, alright? Lie on your side in case you throw up.”

“I’m not gonna throw up.”

Caleb swats at his legs. “Just do it and make me feel better. If I was mad would I care so much?”

His head is starting to hurt so he doesn’t have it in him to argue further. He grabs his pillow from the top of the bed and curls around it. 

There’s just enough light coming in from the hallway for him to see Caleb pause on the other side of the door. 

His footsteps down the hall are the last things he hears before he falls asleep. 

 

******

 

It's his phone that wakes him up in the morning. 

The first thing he sees is a glass of water on the night stand. 

By the time he figures out his phone is in the pocket of his jeans that he’s still wearing it's stopped ringing and before he can take it out it to see who he’s missed it starts again. 

Nathan’s number lights up the screen and he knows he has to answer it. He won’t stop calling.

“What do you want?”

“Ugh. What kind of hello was that? You sound terrible? Did I wake you? It’s 9 o’clock on a Saturday. You should be half way to conquering the world by now.”

“Hungover.”

“Did you go out last night?”

“With Caleb.”

“I’m proud of you. The moment I meet him I’m buying him a beer for getting you out of your apartment. Did you have fun?”

_No. Something happened and I’m afraid to leave my room._

“It was fine. Drank too much.”

“I am so proud of you. Do you think you’ll live long enough to have lunch with me? I have some work that absolutely has to be done today, or so they say, so I’m in town for a bit. I’m on the train now.”

“How far away are you?”

“About an hour.”

“I will not be ready by then.”

Nathan laughs and it makes Ben’s head pound but he presses the phone closer to his ear anyway. He’s missed him. 

“I have to get a little work done first. You have some time. You think you’ll be ready for lunch or dinner?”

“Late lunch. Somewhere greasy. Hangover food.”

“Not a chance. I come to New York for less than 24 hours and you expect me to eat garbage? We’re going somewhere nice. Expensive. I have the company credit card.”

“I hate when you pay for me.”

“I’m not paying. The company is.”

“That sounds illegal at worst and immoral at best.”

“That’s a summary of what we do for a living. Operating in the gray area. Besides, you wouldn’t believe some of the things they pay for. A dinner between two old friends is nothing.”

“I don’t feel like dressing up.”

“Wow, you really don’t feel well. Somewhere moderately fancy then. You should get up right now; drink some water, take an advil, take a shower, drink some coffee. You’ll feel better.”

“I doubt it.”

“Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten how it was in college? It wasn’t that long ago. A couple cups of coffee and you were good as new again.”

“I don’t remember it happening like that. Plus I’m not 18 anymore. It wouldn’t matter if that worked back then.”

“It’s punishment for not letting yourself have a good time in years. You let yourself go have fun one time and this is what happened. It’s your body telling you that you need to loosen up.”

“You sound like Caleb.”

“We’d be best friends if you let us meet.”

Ben hums into the phone and Nathan laughs again.

“I’ll text you when I’m finishing up at the office. I’ll let you know where to meet me, okay?” Then, voice gone soft, he adds, “I’m excited to see you. It’s been too long.”

“Yeah, it has.”

They’re both quiet. Caleb shuts the refrigerator door in the kitchen. Someone on Nathan’s end sneezes. 

“Well, I’ll see you in a few hours,” Nathan finally says. “Try not to look too much like death warmed over.”

“I’ll see what I can do.”

“Are you wearing the same clothes you wore out last night?”

“....yes.”

“Fix that.”

 

******

 

By the time Ben’s worked up the courage to come out of his room, take a shower, and come down the hall Caleb is lying on the couch with the TV on low.

“Why are you watching CNN?”

Caleb’s eyes flick up to his. “Hey, you’re alive. I was worried about you until I heard you talking in there. Who calls that early on a Saturday?”

“Work.” It’s troubling how easily that lie slips out.

“They don’t need you for something today, do they?”

“Just for a few hours.” That lie too. 

Caleb scoffs and turns back to the TV. He drops his feet to the floor to let Ben sit down and doesn’t pick them back up to drape them across his lap the way he’s done a hundred times before. 

“How are you feeling?”

“I could definitely be better. My head hurts.”

“I almost woke you up to drink that water but you looked so…..”

“Pathetic?”

Caleb’s laugh bubbles from his chest. It sounds so different from Nathan’s.

“Yeah, exactly. I probably should have.”

“I don’t think it would have mattered.” 

“You should have some now. There’s leftover pizza in the fridge. It’s still good. I think.”

He has hours until lunch with Nathan but he’s not hungry at all. 

“When was the last time you were this hungover?” Caleb asks.

“Junior year.” 

It was a bad idea to go to that frat party but Nathan had insisted. 

Hours later Nathan was force feeding him coffee and rubbing his back. In the morning Ben told him he hated him and Nathan laughed, pulled him closer under the covers and ran his hand through Ben’s hair.

“Christ, that long?”

“It was enough to hold me over.”

“You’re going to have to tell me about it sometime.”

Ben will. He’s just going to leave out some minor details. 

 

*****

 

He meets Nathan in a restaurant in SoHo that’s not even close to being moderately fancy where Ben almost gets turned away for not wearing a jacket. It’s not until a waiter whispers in the host’s ear that he gets a smile and a _right this way, sir._

He’s lead through the restaurant with people looking up from their meals to stare at his jeans and t-shirt. 

Nathan’s hiding a smile behind his menu when the host pulls out Ben’s chair for him. 

“You could have warned me about what to wear.”

“I figured you would have googled it.” He continues to read the menu. “You look fine.”

“People stared at me.”

He finally peeks over the top and raises an eyebrow. “What else is new?”

“They weren’t going to let me in. I think the waiter had to drop your name. How do they know who you are?”

“They don’t know who I am but they recognize the government ID. You need to learn to flash yours more often. You won’t even need me to get in places like this.”

“I only go to places like this when I’m with you.”

“I’m honored but you know one day you’re going to have your own card. Only yours might not have your own name on it. Time to pick an alias.” 

“I wanted a burger.”

“You can get that here.”

Ben looks at the menu. “Yeah, one with gold foil and truffles.”

“I’ve had that. It’s good. Get it if you want it.”

Ben thinks about the pizza place he and Caleb went to last week. The floors were sticky and the bathroom was disgusting and there was certainly no dress code but he had so much fun finishing off an extra large pizza with everything on it. He’s having a hard time imaging Caleb in a place like this and an even harder time imagining going anywhere without him. 

Nathan orders for him after Ben tells him he has no idea what he wants. He does it in perfect French then winks at Ben once the waiter leaves. Ben rolls his eyes because _“I know how to speak french, too, stupid.”_

The food is good. He understands why it costs so much but he still cringes when Nathan asks the waiter to bring over the dessert menu. It’s not his money and it’s not Nathan’s money but it feels like it’s too much. 

He’s a few bites into a tiramesu when the toe of Nathan’s five hundred dollar shoes hooks around Ben’s ankle.

“Nathan.”

“They didn’t put me up in a hotel because I’m not going to be here overnight but I could still….”

Ben puts down his fork and Nathan’s foot stills. “Nathan, there’s something go on with Caleb.”

His foot immediately drops to the floor. “Oh.”

“Nothing has happened. I don’t know if it’s going to. I don’t know how I would even begin that but I think I want something to.”

“What happened?”

“I asked him to kiss me last night. We were out and this guy was talking to me and he wouldn’t leave me alone so Caleb pretended to be my boyfriend, we’ve actually been doing that a lot and I’m realizing right now that was probably a bad idea, and the guy didn’t look like he believed it and Caleb said that we needed to leave or he needed to kiss me only he said the last part as a joke and I very seriously said that I thought he should kiss me.”

Ben takes a big sip of water. 

“I feel so stupid. I don’t know why I said that. Well. I had been drinking and he was standing so close and I just...” 

“Did he kiss you?” His face is carefully blank.

“No. He looked at me like I was crazy so I had to pretend I was joking and when we got back home I apologized and he played it off and we didn't talk about it at all this morning. I still felt weird though. He seemed fine but I don’t know if he was pretending. Something seemed off.”

“It’s hard for me to offer any advice since I don’t know how he’ll respond to it because you won’t let the two of us meet.”

“He doesn’t even know who you are.”

“He doesn’t know who I am? I’ve been your friend for almost a decade.”

Ben shrugs. “I know. I didn't talk to him that much during college so I never brought you you up. I can't do it now. How do I begin that conversation. Hey, here's this guy I've known for years and have meals with sometimes. It's been too long. I'm in too deep.”

“You are a child.”

Ben ignores him and pushes on. “And if I tell him about you I’m going to have to tell him how we are….sometimes.”

“And you don’t want him to know about that.”

“No, I don’t.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t know. I already told him that there hasn’t been anyone. I lied to him. I can’t fix it.” He stops and takes a deep breath. “And even if he was okay with it I don’t want him thinking-.”

“You don’t want him thinking you’re unavailable.”

“It’s not-.”

“You love him.”

It feels like all the air leaves the room as they look at each other over the table. Then the corners of Nathan’s mouth twist upwards and he shakes his head. 

“You won’t hurt my feelings. I’ve been expecting this for awhile.”

“You have?”

“Yeah. You don’t hear yourself when you talk about him. I thought if I gave you enough time you’d figure it out on your own.” He shrugs and puts down his own fork. “Also I’m a little selfish, I guess. I wanted to keep you for as long as I could.”

“Nathan, I’m sorry.”

“Oh c’mon, I’m not trying to make you feel bad. You have nothing to apologize for. What you need to do is figure out what you’re going to do about it.”

Ben takes a deep breath then lets it out slowly. “Probably nothing.”

“Ben Tallmadge, I swear to god.”

“What do you want me to do?”

“Talk about your problems and feelings like a grownup.”

Ben squirms in his seat. “Where would that get me?”

“I don’t know, somewhere other than here complaining about it to me.”

“You’re the one that brought it up. I don’t want to talk about it,” Ben says and he knows it sounds very childish. “I’ll figure something out.”  
“I don’t believe you. You seem to forget that I know you very well.”

“I’m not forgetting, just ignoring. Now tell me more about work.”

“There’s still an opening. They’d still love to talk to you. You could get your own card a lot sooner.”

“I can’t move.”

“Right. At least now I know why.” Nathan smiles again and waves for the check. 

 

*****

“You should come down and visit sometime.” Nathan says to him on the street. He's waiting for a cab. Ben will take the subway. They’ll go in different directions. “I know Sackett gives you vacation days and I’m going to guess you haven’t used any of them since you started working. You probably have months racked up by now. Take a break. I’ll show you all the monuments and the museums, even the boring ones that I know you’ll love. Bring Caleb with you. You know we’re going to have to meet one day. I fully plan on being invited to the wedding.”

“I was kind of hoping one of us would die before that happened.”

“Hey, careful what you wish for.”

Ben’s mind snaps to the four MIA folders on his desk at home. 

“I’ll think about it.”

“Along with a million other things I’m sure.” He tips his head, expression undeniably fond, and brings his hand to the side of Ben’s face. “I’m gonna kiss you now.”

“Thanks for asking,” Bem says softly right before they touch. 

It's brief. Probably the most casual one they've had. They both know it might be their last. 

“Just one more for the road.” His thumb brushes against the corner of Ben’s mouth and Ben knows how simple it would be for him to say yes. Yes to another kiss, yes to D.C, yes to anything Nathan is going to offer him. But then his hand is gone and he’s stepping back and slipping on black framed sunglasses. “I’ll see you around, Ben. Go get some sleep.”

 

*****

 

Caleb’s sleeping on the couch when Ben gets home. The TV is still on so Ben shuts it off. He’s putting the remote down when Caleb’s hand darts out to wrap around his wrist.

Ben jumps and Caleb smiles. There are pillow lines on his face. Ben’s so in love.

“How was work?”

“Okay. Needed to be done.”

“How are you feeling?”

“Better than you, obviously. Have you moved since I left?”

“I rolled over a few times.”

“Don't know if that counts.”

“Sure it does. It felt like it did and I was watching that. Turn it back on.”

“You were dead asleep.”

“I’m awake now.” He swings his leg out to kick at him. 

“Why are you even watching it?” Ben asks as he sits on the couch. Caleb starts to bring his legs down like he did that morning but Ben grabs them and drags them back. “I can count the amount of times you’ve watched the news on one hands and one of those times was when we were in the emergency room that time you thought you broke your arm and the local news was on in the corner.”

“Now that I know what you do I like to keep up with what’s happening in the world.” Caleb pushes his foot against his side. “It’s pretty rough out there. You sure you want to go through with it?”

Ben slowly nods his head and Caleb huffs then says something about how Ben is going to keep him up at night worrying.

Ben’s response is to push his thumb into the sole of Caleb’s foot. Caleb quiets and stretches and closes his eyes. 

 

******

 

“Are we going out?”

It's a Wednesday. Usually Caleb respects Ben’s plea for quiet weeknights because he has work in the morning. 

Caleb startles at his voice and meets his eyes in the mirror. “Tallboy, jeeze. You can’t just sneak up on me like that.”

“Sorry.”

“I get that you need to be silent as the night for your secret spy job but around here tap the wall as you walk or something.”

Ben rolls his eyes and leans against the door jam. “I’ll put a bell around my neck. Where are we going?”

Caleb winces and Ben shifts so he’s standing up straight.

“I’m going out. I have a date.”

“Oh.”

Caleb spins around to face him.

“I’m sorry. I don’t know why I didn’t tell you before. It’s that guy I was talking to at the bar on Friday, Scott? I got his number and we’ve been texting and I don’t know. He asked me out to dinner and I said yes.”

There’s a deep chasm of silence between them and it hits Ben that Caleb expects him to say something but all the words Ben wants to say are a jumbled mess in his mind.

“That’s great,” he finally blurts out. “Scott seems nice.” He has no idea if that’s true. All he remembers about Scott is dark hair at the weird feeling in the pit of his stomach when he watched him and Caleb exchange phones and tap in their numbers. He didn’t know what it was then but now he does. 

“He is. I’m looking forward to it.” Caleb wipes his palms on his jeans and it’s awkward. Things have never been awkward between them. Not when they first moved in together after years of being apart and thought they had nothing in common. They picked up right where they left off with Caleb telling him about something ridiculous Abe had done and how Anna and Abigail had to step in and bail him out, literally. Not with Caleb’s lips on the back of his neck and his hands securely on his hips as he whispers sweet nothings into his ear and stares down a guy that can’t take a hint. They brush it off. Act like it’s not a big deal even when he has to do it again twenty minutes later with a new guy standing across from them.

They can’t seem to shake this moment though.

“I’ve been thinking about what you and Abe said. About how I just jump from one guy to the next.”

“I didn’t say that to make you feel bad, Caleb.”

“I know you didn’t but you’re right. And Abe is right too. This whole thing I’m doing is starting to get tiring. He and Rob have such a nice life with Thomas and Mary’s happy and so are Anna and Selah and you have your job. And I’m just kind of...alone? I don’t know. Maybe I’m over it.”

“Oh.”

“Maybe I’m growing up,” Caleb says proudly. He laughs to alleviate the rest of the tension but it falls flat.

“It’s about time.”

Caleb’s phone lights up. “That’s him. He has a cab downstairs so I guess I should go.”

Ben steps out of the doorway to let Caleb by. He grabs his coat and his keys and he knows that usually he’s say something like ‘don’t wait up’ with a wink but now he’s quiet.

“Have fun,” Ben says and gives him the most genuine smile he can. 

Caleb lingers by the for a moment and it looks like he's going to say something. 

Before he can his phone buzzes and second time.

“I gotta go. I'll see ya, Tallboy.” 

 

*****

 

Ben’s lying in bed staring at the ceiling when he hears Caleb come home.

The digital clock next to his bed says it’s only 11:30 and Ben strains to catch a second set of footsteps in the living room or hushed whispers. 

But it’s just one. 

Just Caleb moving through the kitchen, clicking off a light Ben forgot about and coming down the hallway. 

He sees his shadow move beneath the door. He doesn’t pause in front of it.

At the end of the hall he flicks the light off and the slim, slit of light disappears. 

A few minutes later the shower turns on and Ben tosses and turns for the rest of the night. 

 

*****

 

“Morning, Tallboy.”

Caleb’s still in sweatpants and a t-shirt and standing barefoot in the kitchen. 

Ben smoothes his tie down the front of his shirt and adjusts the strap of his messenger bag on his shoulder. 

“Hey.” Ben takes a deep breath and dives in because that is what years of training under Sackett has taught him. “How’d it go last night?”

Caleb shrugs and makes a noncommittal sound, like the question was no big deal. Like it wasn’t killing Ben to ask. “Okay. I don’t know think we’ll see each other again.”

“What happened? Not as cute in better lighting?”

Caleb chuckles and turns towards the toaster. “No, he was still cute. I don’t know. You ever meet someone and you know it should work out because on paper they seem great and then for some reason it just doesn't go anywhere? This guy was funny and nice and had a good job but it just wasn’t there, you know?”

Ben thinks of Nathan. Funny and smart and knows him so well. “Yeah, I do.”

The toaster pops and Caleb laughs. Ben knows he doesn’t believe him. Why would he? As far as Caleb knows there’s never been anyone to catch Ben’s eye like that. 

Caleb turns with the plate in his hands. There’s butter on the counter and jam on the counter. “Are you eating breakfast today or taking off?”

Early morning sun is coming through the window above the stove. 

Caleb keeps pushing the plate towards him. 

Ben wants to spend all his time with him. 

He lifts his bag over his head and drops it next to the counter. 

“I’ll stay.”


	4. Chapter 4

Ben finds out quickly that being in love with your best friend when he doesn't know it is one hell of a thing. 

Everything he felt before is amplified. He wants so much now. He wants to hold his hand, tuck a dark curl behind his ear, put his head in his lap as they watch tv at night. When they go out on the weekends and Caleb leans around him with his hand on his hip to steady himself as he settles the tab Ben wants to lean back into it. He wants to kiss him at the bar and in the cab on the way home. At home against the door and in the hallway, in his bed. He wants to wake up with his head on his chest and make breakfast together with his arms around Caleb’s middle and his chin hooked over his shoulder. 

He feels like his body is buzzing with all the things he wants but can’t have all because he finally put a name to it. 

He never thought he could feel this happy and this miserable all at the sametime.

He tries not to make things awkward. He keeps the staring down to a minimum and his hands at his sides so he doesn’t touch but sometimes it doesn’t work.

They go out to dinner with Rob and Abe and it would feel like a double date if Caleb wasn’t flirting with the waiter the whole time and Ben must be watching Caleb with such a pining look on his face that when he glances over at Abe, Abe is looking at him with his eyebrows raised and a slight smirk. 

His first instinct is to clear his throat and look away. Excuse himself to the bathroom, get his shit together, come back, and never look at Caleb again.

But Abe knows how he feels. He told Caleb about it and Caleb brushed it off. Acted like it wasn’t true. Now he’s putting his number down on a napkin and slipping it to the waiter and Ben looks over them then over to Abe with sad eyes that make Abe tap his foot against Ben’s shin and nod. 

He won’t say anything.

He won’t push.

He’s the exact opposite of Nathan.

Nathan calls and texts constantly. 

_Have you told him?_

_When are you going to tell him?_

_You’d feel better if you did._

_I just want you to be happy._

Ben blocks the number from his phone but Nathan finds a way around that easily.

 _I’ve been doing this for longer than you have. I’m just a little bit better at it._

_Are you still going out with him on the weekends?_

_Should I come up there?_

Ben calls him after than one not even caring that he’s losing the game.

“No, you should not come up here. I’m handling it.”

“Handling it by not doing anything is not handling it. You know it doesn’t just go away, right?”

“I know that. I have to go at my own pace here.” He sighs heavily into the phone and props his chin in his hand. “I don’t want to say the wrong thing at the wrong time. He’s still collecting other guy’s numbers like it’s his job. It’s not as easy as you make it sound. I can’t just come out with it.”

Sackett waves from his office then taps his finger against his watch. 

“I’m being summoned. I have to go.”

“Ben, wait. I’m not doing this to be funny and I don’t think it’s easy but I think you have to do something. You’re too young to waste all this time pining.”

“I know.”

“If you need to talk let me know. And if you don’t it doesn’t matter because I’ll call you again, over and over and over.”

“I’m changing my number.”

“Go ahead, give me a challenge. You know I’ll find it.”

 

******

 

“What are you getting Abe for his birthday?”

“I thought me going would be enough of a gift.”

Caleb throws his head back and laughs. 

They’re walking home from a bar and they’re both surprisingly sober. Summer’s beginning to turn to fall and there’s a chill in the air that makes Ben wish he had brought a coat with him. 

Caleb’s arms swing at his side and brush against Ben’s as they walk. He endures it for three blocks before he cross his arms over his chest.

“You cannot be cold,” Caleb says. “It’s like, sixty five degrees out.”

“I’ve gotten used to ninety five and one hundred percent humidity.” 

Caleb takes off his black zip up sweatshirt and hands it over.

“No way that’s going to fit me.”

“You aren’t that much bigger than me.”

“The sleeves alone…”

“Would you just put it on. I’m trying to be nice here.”

“I’m gonna stretch it out,” Ben warns as Caleb manhandles him into it. 

The sleeves stop three quarters of the way down his arms and Caleb can barely get the thing zipped. Finally he gives up and unzips all the way down. 

“Just leave it open. You're ridiculous.”

“I told you this would happen.” 

“It's better than nothing. At least I don't have to listen to your teeth chattering now.”

The sweatshirt it warm. The fabric is thin but it has retained Caleb's body heat. It smells like Caleb's cologne. “It wasn't that bad.” He pulls the sleeves down and holds them there. Caleb scowls. “What are you getting Abe?” 

“I don't know. I'll probably ask Rob?” 

“Do you talk to Rob? He talks to you?” 

“Yeah. Sometimes. We text.”

“I thought he hated us.” 

“Maybe you, not me.”

Ben shoves him off the curb. Caleb laughs again and Ben holds his sweatshirt tighter.

 

******

 

Abe's party is at a bar in Brooklyn. 

Ben bitches about the travel time and calls Rob a hipster when Caleb tell him it was his idea. 

Once they get there he has to admit that it was a good call. The bar is nice. Clean and bright and not too loud even though it’s packed with people.

Caleb tells him he’ll be right back with drinks but Ben stops waiting for him after he sees him turn to a guy at the bar and start to talk. 

He’ll be gone for awhile and Ben doesn’t need to hang around and watch that so he ventures deeper into the bar. 

He’s waiting his turn to make his way around a large group that have conjugated in the middle of the room when there’s a hand on his elbow pulling him around the other side and a voice in his ear saying _“haven’t seen you around here before.”_

Nathan is in jeans and a black sweater. It’s been years since Ben has seen him dressed this casually and under any other circumstance he would love to tease him about it but right now he’s too panicked.

Caleb’s still at the bar, still talking to that guy but Ben knows Caleb has some kind of sixth sense towards him. He won’t be there for long.

Ben regains control of the situation and ends up pushing Nathan against the wall where they’re both out of sight from Caleb. It might buy him a minute or two. 

“What the hell are you doing here?” Ben’s voice is shakey and annoyed. 

“Abe invited me.” Nathan is as cool as ever. He looks like he loves the drama of it all. 

“How the hell do you know Abe Woodhull?”

“Facebook. He sent out a mass invite. He friended me a few months ago. I’m friends with Caleb too.”

“Are you kidding?”

“No. I think Abe accepts everyone so when I friend requested Caleb he saw I was friends with Abe and accepted.”

“You don’t have anything posted about me on there, do you? From when we were in school?”

Nathan shakes his head. “What would have been the point to post them? You don’t even have an account. Plus most of the pictures I have of you aren’t for the public.”

Ben shoves him hard in the shoulder. “Shut up, that’s not true.”

“You wish that wasn’t true.”

Ben's face heats up because he has vague memories of the two of them squished together on a thin dorm room mattress with Nathan’s long arms stretched out in front and a his crappy camera phone in his hand. The pictures are probably blurry and low tech but they're out there. 

“Do you even know which one Abe is?”

The abrupt subject change does nothing to throw Nathan. He knew it wouldn't. 

“Yeah,” he raises his glass in Abe direction. “He’s the one that’s constantly glued to the side of the taller guy who never smiles. What is their deal?”

“Rob’s alright once you get to know him. I guess. I don’t know. I still don’t know if he likes me. Abe loves him though, so.”

“And he tolerates Abe?”

“He loves him he just doesn’t show it in public. It works for them,” Ben shrugs. “Abe met Rob’s father a few weeks ago. He said it went really well. Rob hasn’t met Richard yet.”

“Well Abe doesn’t have a good relationship with him so….” Nathan smiles at Ben’s questioning look. “Passive aggressive facebook status updates which you would know about if you had an account.”

“I get his passive aggressive texts, that’s enough. Can you go now? Are you ready to go?”

“I only got here a half an hour ago. I’ve only had one drink.”

“I know you didn’t come all the way up here for the birthday party of some guy you don’t even know that’s being held in a bar you normally wouldn’t be caught dead at.”

“This place is nice.”

“There’s no strict dress code and the cheapest drink is well below a hundred bucks.”

“What a good little interrogator you’re going to make.”

“What are you doing here?”

“What does it look like?” He grabs two drinks off a tray and hands one to Ben. “I’m enjoying the party just like you should be. But you know you’d be having a lot more fun if you told a certain someone how you were feeling.”

“We already talked about this.”

“Months ago. Maybe I should talk to him for you.”

“Don’t, Nathan, I’m serious.”

“Come on, I’m good with people.”

“You’re good with certain types of people and Caleb is not your type.”

“No.” Nathan pokes him in the ribs. “He’s your type. Let me help you.”

“I don’t need your help, I don’t want it. I’m doing fine.”

“You’re not.” 

Nathan has cut out the playfulness and Ben’s ready to defend himself. 

“You’re not okay,” he continues and plows right over Ben’s attempt to say something back. “I can’t stand the thought of you going through something like this and not being willing to help yourself.”

“There’s nothing I can do about it.”

“You can tell him. You have to do something. I can’t watch this happen to you.”

“Then stop watching. Go home.”

“How am I supposed to do that? You’re my best friend. I can’t just look away from this.”

“I never asked you to look.”

“Well too bad. I’m here now and I’m not-.”

“Hey.” Caleb slips right between them, the way he’s done dozens of times before it different bars across the city. Both of his hands are free so he puts one arm around his shoulders and the other dips under his shirt with his fingers curling around the waist of his jeans. 

Ben was expecting this but he never saw it coming. He was too caught up with Nathan. He should have kept one eye on both of them. His situational awareness is shit. There’s an emergency exit ten feet from them. He should’ve shoved Nathan out of it instead of into the wall. The alarm probably doesn't even work anymore. 

Nathan looks thrilled with the opportunity that just presented itself.

“Sorry it took me too long, bar was crowded. Wanna go find Abe?”

“Sounds great.” Ben grabs Caleb’s hand out from under his shirt and tries to pull him away but Nathan has a hand on Caleb too.

“You must be Caleb. Ben’s told me a lot about you. I’m Nathan.”

Caleb looks down at Nathan’s hand on his arm and leans back against the wall clearly intrigued with the audacity he’s displaying.

“You can let go of him now,” Nathan nods towards Ben’s hand in Caleb’s then slips his own hand off Caleb’s arm. “Everyone can stop pretending. Ben already told me what you do for him. I think it’s great but I promise I’m not looking to pick him up tonight.”

“He already told you?” 

Caleb’s eyes are narrowed, Ben’s are wide and pleading over the top of Caleb’s head, and Nathan is in his element. 

“Do you two know each other?”

Ben says _no_ at the sametime Nathan says _yes_ which makes everything worse.

“Do you work together?”

Nathan says _no_ and Ben says _yes_ and Caleb turns to look at Ben who is still begging Nathan to shut up and leave behind Caleb’s back. 

Nathan taps Caleb on the arm to get his attention. “We don’t work together, so to speak. But for the same company. Same idea. I’m not in the city usually, I'm out of Washington, and I’m not going to be going on any assignments any time soon. Tried that, didn’t work too well.”

“Nathan has a tendency to run his mouth and say the wrong thing to the wrong person.”

“Yes, almost got in me in trouble once.”

“Just once?” Ben asks, voice deadly. Nathan rolls his shoulders and blows off the iciness. 

“They yanked me out of there and stuck me in an office. Not as exciting but the pay is good and I haven’t jumped out of an airplane for years.”

Caleb’s head whips around to Ben. “You jump out of airplanes?”

“Only the one time.”

“Well there’s more to come,” Nathan claps Ben on the shoulder then leaves his hand there. Caleb stares at it. “He’ll be great at it. I always told him back at Yale-.”

“You went to school together?”

“We were roommates.” Ben admits. 

“We were a little more than that.”

“Nathan,” Ben hisses.

“Wait, you guys were….together?”

“It wasn’t serious.” Ben rushes out.

“It was as serious as any college relationship could be,” Nathan explains and his voice is so nonchalant that Ben wants to kill him. Push him through the exit door and take care of it. He knows dozens of ways to do it.

“It was not a relationship,” Ben insists and Nathan shrugs. Ben knows exactly where this is going but he’s not sure he can talk his way out of it. “We were young and stupid and drunk-.”

“You are never drunk.” 

And there is it. Caleb’s head picks up and Ben knows it’s all over.

“I mean,” he elbows Caleb in the side, “We have a nice bottle of whatever they can bring up from the bar at the hotel but we’re never drunk.”

“Do you two. Do you still. Are you still together?”

Caleb’s at a loss for words which is something Ben’s never seen before.

“No,” Ben snaps.

“It’s complicated.” Nathan says. 

“It’s not complicated. We’re not together, we were never together, Nathan, I swear to god.”

“It sounds like you’re together,” Caleb says. It looks like he’s trying to fit puzzles pieces together that just won’t go. Like he’s thinking back to every conversation the two of them have had trying to find some sort of hint that this was going on. A drop of evidence. There isn’t any because Ben is very good at keeping things hidden. He’s a good liar. He’s been in love with him for months, probably years ( a secret he managed to keep from himself) and Caleb has no idea. “You guys are together. Since Yale?”

Nathan says “off and on.”

“Not anymore. It’s done. We haven’t in awhile.”

“But you were. For what, eight years?”

“It’s not that big of a deal, Caleb. It wasn’t serious.”

“It sounds serious. Eight years? I asked you if you ever had a relationship and you said no. Was this going on then?” 

“Caleb.”

He turns towards Nathan. “When did this stop?”

“A few months ago. He came to lunch hungover.”

“You told me you had to go to work.”

“I know.”

“Why didn’t you tell me where you were going? Why didn’t you tell me about all of this? What else aren’t you telling me?”

“Nothing, it's just that. We didn't talk a lot back then….” The excuse is flimsy and does nothing to quiet Caleb down. Nathan is beginning to look apologetic but that doesn’t make Ben feel better either. 

“But we talk now.”

“I didn’t think it was that big of a deal.”

“My best friend has had a boyfriend this whole time. You’ve had a boyfriend this whole time,” He says more to himself than to the two of them. 

“I wouldn’t say we were boyfriends,” Nathan says slowly, warily eyeing Caleb’s clenched hands. “It was more like friends with benefits. You know. Low key. I think I should go.”

“I’m going,” Caleb says as he steps forward. “You two should stay and do whatever you want with each other. Be boyfriends or friends with benefits, whatever you want, it doesn’t matter.”

Caleb walks straight through the crowd. Everyone moves out of the way for him and over the tops of everyone’s heads he can see the door open and close. 

“What the hell are you doing?” Nathan asks quietly.

Ben pushes Nathan back against the wall. People are probably looking at them but he doesn’t care. “What the hell are you doing? You show up here and start all that shit-.”

“Why are you standing here yelling at me instead of going after him?”

Ben looks across the room at the door then back to Nathan and Nathan rolls his eyes.

“God, do I have to do everything?” He pushes Ben away but Ben pushes back with his hand right over his heart and his fingers almost bruising. 

“You stay.” 

Caleb’s already a block away and Ben nearly gets clipped by a taxi as he jaywalks to get to him. 

“Caleb.” His hand barely touches the sleeve of his jacket and there’s an apology on his tongue that starts with _I’m sorry_ and ends with _I love you_ with nothing in between and he’s so ready to say it but Caleb turns and speaks first. 

“I’m sorry.”

Ben’s hand falls back to his side. “What?”

“The way I acted in there in front of him. I’m sorry.”

“I don’t….what?”

“It just came out of nowhere, you know? You should have told me. I can’t believe you kept that from me. We’re supposed to tell each other everything. We’re best friends, or I thought we were.”

“We are.” Ben puts both hands on Caleb’s shoulders and never wants to let go. “You are my best friend.” _No one is more important than you. I’d do anything._

“Then why didn’t you tell me?” His voice is quiet. Ben knows now is the time to say it. Now that he has his guard down and he’s looking at Ben with soft eyes. “Nathan seems nice. He’s gotta be smart if he works with you even if it’s indirectly. I mean, he did go to Yale. Can’t get better with that and he obviously likes you and you have to like him to keep up with it for so long. Plus you two look really good together. It all makes sense.”

“We’re not like that.”

“Well maybe you should be. You should be happy. I want you to be happy and Nathan seems like the kind of guy that could do that for you. So why don’t you drop the casual stuff and get serious? Go for it.”

“You think I should?” 

“Yeah.” Caleb smiles then laughs and claps him on the shoulders. He holds on like Ben is holding onto him. He’s only missing the emotion behind it. “We should go back in so I can apologize to him and get to know him. I’ll buy him a drink. Come on.” Caleb ducks out of his reach and walks back towards the bar only stopping when he sees that Ben isn’t following. “What’s the matter?”

“I think I should go home.”

“No way. It’s Abe’s birthday. You can’t skip out on that. Plus your boy.”

“I just think it’s better if I go home.”

“Nathan will be okay with that. He came all this way to see you.”

 _He came to see you._ “He’ll be fine. He’ll get it. Don’t worry. Go back to the party.”

“You sure? I could go back with you.”

“It’s fine, Caleb, really. Go have fun. There were a ton of people in there you could be talking to. Get some numbers.”

“Not a problem.” Caleb winks and Ben fakes a smile. He’s never been happier for the distance between them because it’s too far for Caleb to see the tears starting to form in his eyes. “I’m still gonna buy Nathan a drink.”

“I’m sure he’d love that.” His voice shakes a little and Caleb stares at him curiously. “Tell Rob to go to hell for making my trip home so long, you know, since you two are such good friends.”

A smile breaks over his face and even though Ben’s dying inside he returns it.

“I can do that for you. I won’t be home too late so….we can talk more in the morning, okay?”

Ben turns first so he doesn't have to watch Caleb walk away. 

He’s about to get on the train home when he gets a text from Caleb.

_Nathan’s not here but when you see him tell him I’m sorry. We should all go out sometime._

_Do you think Rob would like him?_

Ben doesn’t respond. He shoves his phone into his pocket and doesn’t take it out until he’s in the middle of their apartment forty minutes later. 

He looks around at all their belongings. Shoes by the door, jackets on hooks, mail on the counter. Everything fits so seamlessly together. Everything is entwined. 

Caleb wants him to be happy. He wants the best for him. He wants him to be in love with someone else. 

Nathan picks up before the first ring is through and Ben doesn’t let him speak first.

“Where are you?”

“At the station waiting for my train. I was going to take a later one but I didn’t and I missed the earlier one so now I’m stuck for a bit. Where are you? What happened?”

“Can you get me a ticket?”

There’s nothing but silence so Ben repeats the question.

“Can you get me a ticket or do I have to get one myself.”

“You only have a half an hour to get here.”

“That’s fine. I can make it.”

“Ben, I really don’t think-.”

“Just get me the ticket and wait. I’ll be right there.”

 

*****

 

Ben shows up with ten minutes to spare and a duffle bag on his shoulder. He grabbed everything he could see that was his in the living room and kitchen as well as a second pair of jeans and clean shirts. He left Caleb a note saying he was meeting up with Nathan and decided that would be sufficient. 

Nathan tips his head to the side and frowns as he holds out ticket to him. 

“It’s not like you to run away from something.”

Ben plucks the ticket from his fingers. “You don’t get to talk to me until I tell you you can talk to me.”

He sits down two seats away from Nathan and Nathan stretches his legs out and sighs dramatically.

It’s going to be a long trip home.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Hey, this chapter is only like, 2500 words." 
> 
> Yeah, I know. I want to write a bakery fic.

Ben follows Nathan off the train and down the street. 

He mumbles something about it only being a five minute walk and it’s a nice neighborhood so they don’t have to worry.

Ben ignores him and thinks that it doesn’t matter what kind of neighborhood it is; they have years of defensive training in them. He could go for a good fight right about now. 

Nathan’s apartment is clean and sterile. It’s sparsely decorated. Every bit of furniture he has looks like it came with the place and he’ll leave it behind if he ever needs to move. 

There are no pictures on the wall or an old, handmade throw over the back of the couch. There are no shoes by the door. 

The only thing that give any kind of hint to someone living here is the overturned mug on the dishrag beside the sink set there to dry. 

Even without seeing the bedroom Ben is sure Nathan would have everything packed up and ready to go in under thirty seconds if he needed to. 

“Make yourself at home,” Nathan tells Ben with a wide sweep of his arms towards the living room.

Ben brushes past him towards the elegant table with four sleek, silver chairs around it, three of which he’s sure have never been used. 

“Why’d you come here if you weren’t going to talk to me?”

Ben drops his bag on the floor next to one of them and sits down heavily. He makes Nathan wait another thirty seconds before he decides to answer.

“It’s not like I had anywhere else to go.”

“You had Abe right there. I know you have other friends in the city. You could have gone to the office as a last resort.”

“Do you really think I’d bother Abe with this on this birthday? I wouldn’t do this to any of them. If I have to be miserable I’m taking you down with me.”

“Thanks for that.”

“Well, fuck you Nathan, this is all your fault. What the hell were you thinking? How could you think you could just show up there and do that? You screwed everything up.”

“I was trying to help you.”

“You made it so much worse. I ran away from home.”

“That’s not my fault. It’s not my fault you took off because you couldn’t handle rejection!” He shouts and Ben drops his face into his hands with his fingertips rubbing at his temples. Guilt washes over Nathan as he pulls out his Keurig. It’s late but Ben looks like he needs it.. “I’m sorry,” he says softly, not looking up from the coffee pods as he tries to figure out what would taste the best in the middle of a heartbreak. “For everything. What I just said and that I came there tonight. I shouldn’t have done that. I thought I would be helping you. I thought maybe Caleb would get jealous and he’d tell you he loved you first, you know, like a movie. A declaration of love on the street. In my head it’s raining. I know it’s stupid.”

“So stupid.”

“I know and I’m sorry.” He pops one of the pods into the machine and closes the lid. “Did he at least let you down easy? Please tell me he wasn’t a dick about it.”

Ben looks up with his fingers still framed around his face. “I didn’t tell him.”

It’s a miracle that the coffee mug Nathan was holding doesn’t shatter on impact with how hard he slams it onto the counter as anger washes over him again.

“You didn’t tell him! How could you not tell him after all of that? How did you get out of that one? Why can’t you help yourself out, for once? Why is that so hard for you to do?”

Ben sits back in the chair with his hands flat on the table top.

Nathan is fire, crackling in the kitchen not able to contain himself.

Ben is ice, cool and calm until it cracks and shows sharp edges. 

“Am I your best friend?”

Nathan doesn’t hesitate to answer even if he’s seeing red right now. “Yes.”

“Do you love me?”

“What are you getting at?”

“Just answer. Are you in love with me? Have you ever been?”

Nathan looks away first. Down at his feet, the clock on the wall, Ben’s bag on the floor then back up to meet his eyes. “Yes.”

“I don't love you like that. I never have,” Ben says it with a shrug like it’s supposed to hurt. He hopes it does. “How does that feel? That's what I'm getting at. That’s why it’s so hard for me.”

“At least now I know for sure. I don't have to wonder what if anymore.”

“Does that really make it better?”

Nathan shrugs and shoves the coffee maker back into place. “It makes it something. It’s out of my hands now. Can’t do anything about it.” 

Ben crumples in on himself. His shoulders sag and he leans his elbows on the glass surface of the table. 

“I’m so sorry. That was really messed up. I shouldn’t have said that.”

“It’s okay. It’s not like I didn’t deserve it. I already knew it anyways.”

“Yeah, but to hear it like that.”

“I know, I know. I understand what you’re going through.” Nathan pulls out the chair opposite of him and sits down. He wipes his hands on his jeans and laughs as he says “wouldn’t life be a lot easier if you did love me like that? We’re already halfway there.”

Ben ducks his head to hide his smile. “Sometimes I wish it was you. It would be so much easier.”

“If it was easy everyone would do it.”

“Did you just quote A League of Their Own at me?”

“One of the best Tom Hanks movies ever. Top Five.”

“What are the other four?”

“Saving Private Ryan and the three Toy Story movies.”

“I take it back, I don’t want you.”

Nathan shakes his head and taps his index finger on the table to get Ben’s attention. “No you don’t, because then it wouldn’t be him. And fight me, all the Toy Story’s are great.”

“Caleb did say we looked good together.”

“Of course we look good together,” Nathan scoffs. “Look at us.” 

“I wish I had half your confidence.”

“Yeah, you need it.” He waits for Ben’s laughter to die down before he asks “what else did he have to say?”

“I told him we weren’t together like that and he said that maybe we should be; I should go for it. It was clear we cared about each other so why not? I should have told him then but…” he trails off. “He was so apologetic about the way he acted towards you. He was worried you weren’t going to like him and he didn’t know why I would keep something like this a secret from him for so long. He wanted me to be happy and I couldn’t tell him that even the idea of being with him was what made me the happiest. Not after that.”

“He’s a really good friend”

“I know.”

“The best. Way better than me.”

“It’s no contest,” he deadpans and pushes the chair back when Nathan extends his leg to kick him. “But you’re alright.”

“Think you’ll keep me around as a friend? Just a friend?”

“As long as you don’t do anymore stupid shit.” 

“I mean, I’ll try.”

“Try real hard. We're okay, right?”

“We're fine. We should get to bed.”

“Nathan.”

“I’ll take the couch.”

“Obviously.”

He reaches over and squeezes his shoulder. 

“Bathroom is off the bedroom. You can have the shower first.” 

 

***** 

 

Nathan’s standing at the foot of the bed when Ben opens his eyes in the morning. He groans and presses his face back into the pillow. Nathan responds by yanking the comforter off the bed. 

“Here.” He tosses a five inch replica of the Lincoln Memorial at him which Ben catches easily even his half asleep state. “Lead with this then tell him how you feel. Say the words.”

“Why? I already know what’s going to happen.”

“No you don’t. You won’t even know until you actually know. This man is your best friend. He’s not going to go out of his way to hurt you. Even if he doesn’t feel the same way he’s still your friend. He’s not going to rub your face in it. He won’t be disgusted by the thought of you being in love with him. It’s going to be hard but you’ll get past it. You’ve known each other for too long for it all to disappear over something like this. But if he does feel the same way.”

“He doesn’t.”

Nathan groans in frustration. “Have you not been listening to a word I’ve been saying. You have to make the first move here, Ben. Be brave. Take a shot. I know you can do both.”

“But what if-” Nathan sighs and Ben puts his hand up. “-what if he doesn't love me and we try to get past it and it doesn’t work. Everything is awkward and ruined and I just threw away years of trust and friendship because I couldn’t keep this to myself?”

Nathan presses his lips together and gathers his thoughts before he speaks. “If the worst happens you turn around and come back here. You have my permission to run away, no judgement. You put yourself out there, you tried, and it didn’t work. That’s respectable. I’ll make a call and you’ll have a job waiting for you before you get off the train. They’ll get you an apartment and a car; anything you need. You can start over. I’ll help. But Ben.” He sits on the edge of the bed and reaches for one of his hands. “I have a gut feeling this is all going to work out. You deserve for it to. Now, do you want to take the train or do you want to fly?”

“Fly?”

“Oh.” He pats Ben’s hand. “I have connections. Think about it as you’re getting up and putting pants on. Go get your boy.”

 

*****

 

It takes him an hour instead of three by Nathan’s charter flight. 

He could have used the extra two to fine tune the speech he’s going to make but by the time he gets off, gets in a cab, rides the elevator, and opens the door to their apartment he feels like he has it.

He’ll sit Caleb down, give him the souvenir, and ease into it gently. He and Nathan aren’t like that and never will be and that it’s him. He is his best friend. He’d like for him to be more. A lot more. But they could start with dinner. He’s not going to tell him he loves him, that’s too much too soon. There’s a chance Caleb could say yes to dinner and then Ben would think about how to tell him how much he feels for him. 

Caleb’s walking down the hall from his room when Ben turns around.

He’s wearing sleep pants and a long sleeve t-shirt that’s big enough that it might belong to Ben and he’s rubbing sleep from his eye.

“Hey. Didn’t expect to see you home so soon. I thought you’d be gone at least a week. Don’t you have a ton of vacation days?”

Ben looks at him, takes a deep breath and says “I’m in love with you.”

Then he digs through his pockets for the Lincoln Memorial replica and holds it out. 

Two hundred and thirty miles away he’s sure he can hear Nathan’s head exploding.

“Ben. What?”

“This isn’t how I was going to do this. Nathan is going to kill me.”

“Nathan, what happened? Did you two break up?”

“We didn’t break up because we weren’t together. We’re never going to be together. Did you hear what I just said to you?”

“Yeah, but-.”

“Oh god, okay, I guess I’m doing it this way.” He drops his bag at his feet and presses the the memorial into Caleb’s chest. “I’m in love with you,” he repeats. “When I told you that you should kiss me I wanted you to. I knew it before then. On the steps in front of the hotel after that charity event and I think probably before that. Nathan knows. He knew before I did. He said he always knew. We were never together, seriously. When I met him I felt like I had lost you and I think I needed someone and he was there. He told me to come back here. He bought that,” he points to the statue in his hand. “He wanted me to do this a lot differently and I probably should have but that’s how I feel. It just came out.”

“Are you serious?”

“Yes. I was going to tell you at some point but we kept going out and I had so much fun with you and I thought you were having fun with me but you kept getting those number and you went on that date and that’s fine! You’re allowed to do that and it’s okay if you don’t feel the same. It’s alright. It sucks and it’s going to suck for a long time but I just can’t not have you in my life in some way so if we’re friends and that’s it that’s fine. It’s okay. I’ll get over it eventually. But if you want me to move out I can do that to. I can go and you won’t have to see me again, you know, Nathan can have a job for me in D.C.-.”

“Oh my god, Ben, stop.” He wraps a hand around his wrist. “You’re not going anywhere.” He lets him go and ducks into his room and Ben has no idea what to do. If he thought he could move he’d probably be running again but Caleb is back in front of him with his phone in his hand before he can even try to move an inch. He’s focused on scrolling through and tapping at the screen. 

“Can you just tell me one way or the other. I can’t stand here. What are you doing?”

“I’m deleting numbers. All of them.”

“Why?”

“I don’t need them anymore. I wish you would have told me this sooner.”

Ben shoves both hands through his hair. “What the hell is happening?” 

Caleb looks up at him in wonder. “I didn’t know I was an option.”

“You kind of the only option. The best option. You’re the only one.”

“And you’re serious about this?”

“Stop asking me that, I’ll go off on another rant about how much I love you. I’ve had a very long time to think of things to say to you.”

“You can say it, I want to hear it and then I can tell you everything I think of you.”

“Are you being serious?”

Ben is completely unprepared for Caleb to stand on his toes, put his hands on his shoulders and kiss him. 

It’s hard enough (or Ben’s knees buckles as he swoons) to move him back against the wall. Caleb’s hands fist into Ben’s shirt and Ben is frozen.

He knows it’s not a good kiss. He’s not prepared and he’s too in love to do anything but hold Caleb as close to him as possible. 

“I’m sorry,” Ben says when Caleb pulls back.

“Jesus, Tallboy, for what?”

“I can do better than that, I promise. That was a weak kiss on my end.”

Caleb blinks at him then doubles over with laughter. Ben doesn’t laugh at all.. He still can’t believe it’s happening. 

Caleb slides his hand up to his neck then cradles his face in his palm. “You’re unbelievable. I can’t believe you love me.”

“I can’t believe you just kissed me.”

“It was a good kiss. It’s with you, it’s always going to be good but if you’re so self conscious about it take those vacation days and work on it with me. We’ve got plenty of time.”

Ben leans in and it’s softer this time. It’s purposeful with clear intent. He’s in love and is loved back. 

“See,” Caleb says with his forehead pressed against Ben's. “That’s a start.”

Ben nods and kisses him again.

_This is the start._


End file.
